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Blame: A Great Indicator to Look Within

November 17, 2020

 

Dear Ted, 

 

There have been so many upset people in the media, within our families and in our communities. I am observing people getting so angry, being super sensitive and feeling resentful toward others. What is going on? I know you can’t answer that, but how do you see our world moving through this difficult time? Thank you and I look forward to seeing how you answer this. 

Thank you, What’s going on? 

Dear What’s Going On, 

I love the name you chose. It is a very good question and many many difficult issues are in the world right now. Part of the difficulty stems from the inundation of negative information from the media, at the coffee shop or even in our own homes. Biologically, living things (That includes humans!) lean towards whatever or wherever the energy is being resourced. Sorry to say, there is a lot of energy around these negative events and it seems as if it has become easier to move towards that negative energy rather than finding positive energy to focus on. Positive energy allows choice, creativity and passion to bloom every day we are gifted with life. 

Often you may have a temper tantrum when the world isn’t going the way you want it to. A conscious or unconscious expectation that an external source will take you’re your discomfort can develop. What is an external source? Blaming others, demanding others change or serve, wanting the world to do things differently than they are are all good examples of looking to external sources for change. 

Other external sources can be emotional distractors. These come in the form of addictions. These can manifest as alcohol, substances, gambling, internet, drama, shopping, and any other distractions you may use to avoid the present issue. 

The problem is, when the distractor is gone, the issue is still staring you down. Realizing, as you mature, that the only true place that peace can happen is inside you leads to the realization that the only true rescue comes from your self with supports from the outerworld. Look at healthy boundaries, ask yourself where you can empower yourself and what kind of action can you take for a one step at a time type of philosophy. 

The world has become too comfortable with blaming others and demanding discomfort be taken away by others. The problem is that this just leads to more discomfort. People make mistakes and are navigating their own stressors. Possibly others are dealing with trauma in their present life and you may not be the top priority. Perhaps there was an oversight and you felt wounded and forgot that others matter as well. 

Remembering that each person is doing the best they can in that moment will help you to first, look inside yourself and see what you can do in this situation rather than demand others to take the pain away. Each person is navigating a very full plate. Perhaps people around you will be able to support you well or change some of their actions, but really, the only person who can take your dis-ease away is yourself. Empower yourself to find joy and happiness within. It does not come from external sources. 

The feeling of anger, irritation or frustration is a good reminder to look within yourself spiritually, mentally, emotionally, and physically and see where there is room to support yourself, ask for help, and have empathy for others. This formula will allow serenity within, no matter how little peace there is in the outer world. I wish you well. 

Until next week, take care,

Ted

This article was published in The Taos News on August 16, 2016, and is republished here with permission by the writer, Ted Wiard, LPCC, CGC, Founder of Golden Willow Retreat, a nonprofit organization focused on emotional healing and recovery from any type of loss. Visit goldenwillowretreat.com/media-blog/teds-archived-articles/ for more of Ted’s articles.

March 27, 2025
More Than One Loss Grief is often thought of as the pain we feel after losing a loved one. But grief isn’t just about the person who died —it’s also about everything that went with them. The routines you shared, the roles you played, the future you imagined, and even the relationships that shift in the aftermath. These are known as secondary losses, and they can be just as difficult as the primary loss itself. Secondary losses are often not antcipated. You might expect to grieve your loved one, but you may not anticipate the deep loneliness that comes from losing the small daily interactions you had with them. You might feel the pain of losing not just a spouse, parent, or friend, but also the identity that came with being their partner, caregiver, or confidant. These hidden losses can make grief feel even heavier, and understanding them can help you navigate this challenging time. What Are Secondary Losses? Grief touches every part of life, which means secondary losses can take many forms. Some of the most common include: · Loss of roles: If you were a caregiver, a partner, or a child who looked to a parent for guidance, that role is now different—or gone entirely. Adjusting to life without that identity can feel disorienting and painful. · Loss of routines: Grief often disrupts the everyday patterns of life. The morning coffee you always shared, the Sunday phone calls, the daily check-ins—small but meaningful aspect of our lives. · Loss of relationships: Some friendships and family connections change after a loss. People may not know how to support you, or they may distance themselves. Others may expect you to grieve on their timeline, making it harder to maintain those relationships. · Loss of security: This could be financial, especially if the person who died contributed to household income. It could also be emotional—the feeling that you had a safe and predictable life before this loss. · Loss of future plans: Every loss changes the future. Dreams you shared, trips you planned, milestones you expected to celebrate together—these losses can hit unexpectedly, sometimes long after the initial grief has subsided. The Emotional Impact of Secondary Losses Secondary losses can feel like waves that keep coming, even when you think you’ve found solid ground. Because they are not always acknowledged by others, they can feel isolating. But just like the primary loss, they deserve space and recognition. Navigating Secondary Losses: Practical Advice · Name and validate the losses. It may help to make a list of the secondary losses you’re experiencing. Acknowledging them can bring clarity and help you acknowledge the many losses you have. · Create new routines and roles. While the old ones may never be replaced, finding small ways to establish new patterns can bring a sense of stability. This could be as simple as a new morning ritual or a different way of honoring your loved one’s memory. · Seek out supportive relationships. Some connections may change, but new ones can also emerge. Finding people who understand grief—whether through support groups, therapy, or trusted friends—can help ease the loneliness. · Give yourself permission to grieve these losses. Just because they aren’t always talked about doesn’t mean they aren’t real. Allow yourself to mourn what has changed, just as you mourn the person you lost. · Consider professional support. If secondary losses feel overwhelming or make it difficult to function, a grief counselor can help you process them and find ways to cope. Grief Is Layered, But Healing Is Possible Grief is never just about one loss. It’s about all the pieces of life that shift and change in the wake of that loss. If you find yourself grieving things beyond the person who died, know that you are not alone. Be patient with yourself as you navigate these changes, and remember that support is available when you need it.
July 20, 2024
Written by our in-house Grief Counselor, Amanda Nelsen.
March 31, 2021
In the last few paragraphs of Greg McKeown’s book, Essentialism: The Disciplined Pursuit of Less , the author tells a heartbreaking story of a man whose three-year-old daughter has died. The father wished to put together a slideshow of her little life to play at her funeral. He had documented on his camera every outing he’d ever taken with his daughter, and he had hours of footage. But as he scrolled through the thousands of photos and videos, he realized, with growing alarm, that nearly all the images he had captured were of the sights, views, meals, and landmarks of their trips. He had practically no close-up images of his daughter. He had failed to recognize what was essential in his life until she was gone.
October 23, 2020
Dear Ted,
October 19, 2020
Gained in Translation
October 2, 2020
The Guest House This being human is a guest house.Every morning a new arrival.A joy, a depression, a meanness,some momentary awareness comesas an unexpected visitor.Welcome and entertain them all!Even if they are a crowd of sorrows,who violently sweep your houseempty of its furniture,still, treat each guest honorably.He may be clearing you outfor some new delight.The dark thought, the shame, the malice.meet them at the door laughing and invite them in.Be grateful for whatever comes.because each has been sentas a guide from beyond.— Jellaludin Rumi, translated into English by Coleman Barks
September 21, 2020
The first known obituary dates back to about 60 BC, found carved into the stone and metal tablets hung in the Forum of Julius Caesar’s ancient Rome. The obits section of these “early newspapers” was considered part of Rome’s social news, listed alongside gladiator battle results and notable marriage announcements.
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