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Creating a Grief Support Network

July 20, 2024

Written by our in-house Grief Counselor, Amanda Nelsen.

As a grief therapist, I have found that people who have, or are able to create, a support network for themselves after a death of a loved one seem to have better outcomes in their grief overall. It can be key to helping yourself through the dark days. Below are some ideas to help you start or grow your own network.

1. Grief is isolating and connection is healing. Often we isolate ourselves when we are experiencing a lot of pain from grief. Many people will find a natural support network among their friends and family. Allow yourself to open up to those closest to you, even if it feels uncomfortable and not natural at first.

2. Groups and professionals. In addition to connecting with those you know and love, it can also be helpful to connect with a support group of others who are also navigating their grief. Support groups can provide a sense of community and understanding that you may not have with those already in your life. In addition, a professional, like a therapist or social worker, may also provide a safe space for you to explore your emotions and navigate the challenges of grief.

3. Acknowledge and express your emotions. There are a LOT of emotions that come with grief. Anger, sadness, shame, guilt, joy, relief, irritation, numbness, and so much more. Allow yourself to express and process all those emotions – and when you are ready, share them with those around you. It’s hard for others to support you if they don’t know what you are going through.

4. Express your needs clearly. Communication is key when you are building your support network. Your loved ones can’t help you if they don’t know what you want from them. Of course, this can be complicated when we aren’t even sure what we need or want, but even letting others know that YOU don’t know can be helpful.

5. Have flexibility and patience – with yourself and others. As you’ve probably discovered, grieving is very individual and everyone grieves at their own pace. People in your network will all be grieving differently. Holding space for compassion and understanding for them (and yourself) will be essential.

6. Share memories and create new traditions together. You might want to ask your support system to help you create a scrapbook, or organize a memorial event, or find other rituals that hold meaning to you. Having shared experiences strengthens your connection with others who also might be grieving.

7. Find ways to GIVE support. Many times when we are grieving we find it hard to think about others, because we are so full of pain ourselves or are just focused on surviving the next day. But when we find some space to help others, we usually find some healing. It might not seem like much, but dropping off a meal or a sending a text can really uplift someone else.

8. Setting boundaries within your support system. While support and connection are vital to grief, setting healthy boundaries is also important. You might want to keep certain memorial rituals to yourself, or carve out alone time. You may need specific types of support (and not want others). And this all might change over time. Check in with yourself regularly to figure out what boundaries are healthy for you, and then communicate them clearly to those around you.

9. Acknowledge and celebrate resilience and growth. Grief is about loss, but it can also be about resilience and growth. Find ways to celebrate the small moments with your support network. Share stories of strength and survival. Make healing a collaborative process – we can find solace in the journey of remembering our loved ones.

March 27, 2025
More Than One Loss Grief is often thought of as the pain we feel after losing a loved one. But grief isn’t just about the person who died —it’s also about everything that went with them. The routines you shared, the roles you played, the future you imagined, and even the relationships that shift in the aftermath. These are known as secondary losses, and they can be just as difficult as the primary loss itself. Secondary losses are often not antcipated. You might expect to grieve your loved one, but you may not anticipate the deep loneliness that comes from losing the small daily interactions you had with them. You might feel the pain of losing not just a spouse, parent, or friend, but also the identity that came with being their partner, caregiver, or confidant. These hidden losses can make grief feel even heavier, and understanding them can help you navigate this challenging time. What Are Secondary Losses? Grief touches every part of life, which means secondary losses can take many forms. Some of the most common include: · Loss of roles: If you were a caregiver, a partner, or a child who looked to a parent for guidance, that role is now different—or gone entirely. Adjusting to life without that identity can feel disorienting and painful. · Loss of routines: Grief often disrupts the everyday patterns of life. The morning coffee you always shared, the Sunday phone calls, the daily check-ins—small but meaningful aspect of our lives. · Loss of relationships: Some friendships and family connections change after a loss. People may not know how to support you, or they may distance themselves. Others may expect you to grieve on their timeline, making it harder to maintain those relationships. · Loss of security: This could be financial, especially if the person who died contributed to household income. It could also be emotional—the feeling that you had a safe and predictable life before this loss. · Loss of future plans: Every loss changes the future. Dreams you shared, trips you planned, milestones you expected to celebrate together—these losses can hit unexpectedly, sometimes long after the initial grief has subsided. The Emotional Impact of Secondary Losses Secondary losses can feel like waves that keep coming, even when you think you’ve found solid ground. Because they are not always acknowledged by others, they can feel isolating. But just like the primary loss, they deserve space and recognition. Navigating Secondary Losses: Practical Advice · Name and validate the losses. It may help to make a list of the secondary losses you’re experiencing. Acknowledging them can bring clarity and help you acknowledge the many losses you have. · Create new routines and roles. While the old ones may never be replaced, finding small ways to establish new patterns can bring a sense of stability. This could be as simple as a new morning ritual or a different way of honoring your loved one’s memory. · Seek out supportive relationships. Some connections may change, but new ones can also emerge. Finding people who understand grief—whether through support groups, therapy, or trusted friends—can help ease the loneliness. · Give yourself permission to grieve these losses. Just because they aren’t always talked about doesn’t mean they aren’t real. Allow yourself to mourn what has changed, just as you mourn the person you lost. · Consider professional support. If secondary losses feel overwhelming or make it difficult to function, a grief counselor can help you process them and find ways to cope. Grief Is Layered, But Healing Is Possible Grief is never just about one loss. It’s about all the pieces of life that shift and change in the wake of that loss. If you find yourself grieving things beyond the person who died, know that you are not alone. Be patient with yourself as you navigate these changes, and remember that support is available when you need it.
March 31, 2021
In the last few paragraphs of Greg McKeown’s book, Essentialism: The Disciplined Pursuit of Less , the author tells a heartbreaking story of a man whose three-year-old daughter has died. The father wished to put together a slideshow of her little life to play at her funeral. He had documented on his camera every outing he’d ever taken with his daughter, and he had hours of footage. But as he scrolled through the thousands of photos and videos, he realized, with growing alarm, that nearly all the images he had captured were of the sights, views, meals, and landmarks of their trips. He had practically no close-up images of his daughter. He had failed to recognize what was essential in his life until she was gone.
November 17, 2020
Dear Ted,
October 23, 2020
Dear Ted,
October 19, 2020
Gained in Translation
October 2, 2020
The Guest House This being human is a guest house.Every morning a new arrival.A joy, a depression, a meanness,some momentary awareness comesas an unexpected visitor.Welcome and entertain them all!Even if they are a crowd of sorrows,who violently sweep your houseempty of its furniture,still, treat each guest honorably.He may be clearing you outfor some new delight.The dark thought, the shame, the malice.meet them at the door laughing and invite them in.Be grateful for whatever comes.because each has been sentas a guide from beyond.— Jellaludin Rumi, translated into English by Coleman Barks
September 21, 2020
The first known obituary dates back to about 60 BC, found carved into the stone and metal tablets hung in the Forum of Julius Caesar’s ancient Rome. The obits section of these “early newspapers” was considered part of Rome’s social news, listed alongside gladiator battle results and notable marriage announcements.
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