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Grief, Addiction, and Courage in Allowing Mistakes

November 5, 2020

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.

Dear Ted,

As I unravel my escapades from this last year, I see I may have caused a lot of havoc in my grief from some losses and then in my addictive behavior that followed those losses. I find myself hesitant to make any decisions now as I’m afraid of the ripple effect that my actions may have on others. I know this is rather ambiguous, but what do you have to say about my situation.

Thanks, Zack

Dear Zack,

Thank you for your insights into your year long process. This may be more common that you realize. You bring up a two part situation, but it seems to be two sides of the same coin. A loss can activate addictive tendencies and when these are acted upon they can cause problems for you as well as the people around you. This can cause more loss, deeper grief and possibly increased addictive actions.

This is a tough hole to climb out of, but I have the privilege to watch people successfully recover and miraculously build a healthy and full life. The grief process, after a loss, can be rather self-centered as the brain is in a high-alert mode and is working overtime in survival mode. Cognitively your brain looks for ways you have survived in the past and these may include survival skills that are actually detrimental such as addictive tendencies.

I am one who believes addiction is a disease that one can manage similar to something like diabetes, but the person must maintain disciplines to keep a balanced and healthy program. With a loss there may be a level of unbalancing that can cause relapse due to high impulsivity and historical “survival skills” that may, in reality, be non-productive and be an unhealthy reaction to the present situation.

Grandiosity (thinking the world is centered on one’s self) becomes a problem when our unconscious actions, due to the pain of our loss, inflicts difficulty on others as well as yourself. Grandiosity is not being mindful of others and has a level of hyper focus that does not allow one to see the ripple affect one’s actions may have on others. On the other hand in the midst of remorse, guilt, and/or shame; you may feel so afraid of the pain of these emotions, you now think anything you do will wreak such havoc that you won’t do anything at all out of fear of the repercussions for you or others. Most people don’t think of this as grandiosity, but stop and think about it. If you believe your decisions and actions are going to have such an enormous impact on the world, than you are still very large in your smallness! As that coin of grandiosity is flipping through the air as you experience your emotional turmoil, take a moment to remember you are doing the best you can. Each person owns their own emotions, amends can be made, and stepping back into a conscious life is the first step. Walking through the resistance of making decisions and taking action is important and trying to be mindful with pure intentions may reopen doors into a healthy and worthwhile life as you participate in life that helps others as well as your own healthy growth. Not participating in your life as well as other’s lives can be detrimental – just like unconscious grandiose behavior.

Find the balance and take time to gather information, process that information and then have the bravery to respond and take action. This will allow you to have permission to succeed, make mistakes, and truly live.

Until next week, take care.

Ted

This article was published in The Taos News on September 10, 2015, and is republished here with permission by the writer, Ted Wiard, LPCC, CGC, Founder of Golden Willow Retreat, a nonprofit organization focused on emotional healing and recovery from any type of loss. Visit goldenwillowretreat.com/media-blog/teds-archived-articles/ for more of Ted’s articles.

March 27, 2025
More Than One Loss Grief is often thought of as the pain we feel after losing a loved one. But grief isn’t just about the person who died —it’s also about everything that went with them. The routines you shared, the roles you played, the future you imagined, and even the relationships that shift in the aftermath. These are known as secondary losses, and they can be just as difficult as the primary loss itself. Secondary losses are often not antcipated. You might expect to grieve your loved one, but you may not anticipate the deep loneliness that comes from losing the small daily interactions you had with them. You might feel the pain of losing not just a spouse, parent, or friend, but also the identity that came with being their partner, caregiver, or confidant. These hidden losses can make grief feel even heavier, and understanding them can help you navigate this challenging time. What Are Secondary Losses? Grief touches every part of life, which means secondary losses can take many forms. Some of the most common include: · Loss of roles: If you were a caregiver, a partner, or a child who looked to a parent for guidance, that role is now different—or gone entirely. Adjusting to life without that identity can feel disorienting and painful. · Loss of routines: Grief often disrupts the everyday patterns of life. The morning coffee you always shared, the Sunday phone calls, the daily check-ins—small but meaningful aspect of our lives. · Loss of relationships: Some friendships and family connections change after a loss. People may not know how to support you, or they may distance themselves. Others may expect you to grieve on their timeline, making it harder to maintain those relationships. · Loss of security: This could be financial, especially if the person who died contributed to household income. It could also be emotional—the feeling that you had a safe and predictable life before this loss. · Loss of future plans: Every loss changes the future. Dreams you shared, trips you planned, milestones you expected to celebrate together—these losses can hit unexpectedly, sometimes long after the initial grief has subsided. The Emotional Impact of Secondary Losses Secondary losses can feel like waves that keep coming, even when you think you’ve found solid ground. Because they are not always acknowledged by others, they can feel isolating. But just like the primary loss, they deserve space and recognition. Navigating Secondary Losses: Practical Advice · Name and validate the losses. It may help to make a list of the secondary losses you’re experiencing. Acknowledging them can bring clarity and help you acknowledge the many losses you have. · Create new routines and roles. While the old ones may never be replaced, finding small ways to establish new patterns can bring a sense of stability. This could be as simple as a new morning ritual or a different way of honoring your loved one’s memory. · Seek out supportive relationships. Some connections may change, but new ones can also emerge. Finding people who understand grief—whether through support groups, therapy, or trusted friends—can help ease the loneliness. · Give yourself permission to grieve these losses. Just because they aren’t always talked about doesn’t mean they aren’t real. Allow yourself to mourn what has changed, just as you mourn the person you lost. · Consider professional support. If secondary losses feel overwhelming or make it difficult to function, a grief counselor can help you process them and find ways to cope. Grief Is Layered, But Healing Is Possible Grief is never just about one loss. It’s about all the pieces of life that shift and change in the wake of that loss. If you find yourself grieving things beyond the person who died, know that you are not alone. Be patient with yourself as you navigate these changes, and remember that support is available when you need it.
July 20, 2024
Written by our in-house Grief Counselor, Amanda Nelsen.
March 31, 2021
In the last few paragraphs of Greg McKeown’s book, Essentialism: The Disciplined Pursuit of Less , the author tells a heartbreaking story of a man whose three-year-old daughter has died. The father wished to put together a slideshow of her little life to play at her funeral. He had documented on his camera every outing he’d ever taken with his daughter, and he had hours of footage. But as he scrolled through the thousands of photos and videos, he realized, with growing alarm, that nearly all the images he had captured were of the sights, views, meals, and landmarks of their trips. He had practically no close-up images of his daughter. He had failed to recognize what was essential in his life until she was gone.
November 17, 2020
Dear Ted,
October 23, 2020
Dear Ted,
October 19, 2020
Gained in Translation
October 2, 2020
The Guest House This being human is a guest house.Every morning a new arrival.A joy, a depression, a meanness,some momentary awareness comesas an unexpected visitor.Welcome and entertain them all!Even if they are a crowd of sorrows,who violently sweep your houseempty of its furniture,still, treat each guest honorably.He may be clearing you outfor some new delight.The dark thought, the shame, the malice.meet them at the door laughing and invite them in.Be grateful for whatever comes.because each has been sentas a guide from beyond.— Jellaludin Rumi, translated into English by Coleman Barks
September 21, 2020
The first known obituary dates back to about 60 BC, found carved into the stone and metal tablets hung in the Forum of Julius Caesar’s ancient Rome. The obits section of these “early newspapers” was considered part of Rome’s social news, listed alongside gladiator battle results and notable marriage announcements.
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