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Sitting in the Unknown Can Be Difficult

October 23, 2020

Dear Ted,

There seem to be many sad events happening in our community right now and after reading the Taos News last week, my heart aches with some very tragic stories that I feel I cannot do anything about. I can only sit and wait. I feel intense anxiety within my psyche and feel irritated and kind of like I’m “crawling out of my skin.” I also don’t feel quite as safe within the town I love so dearly. Am I the only one feeling like this? Can you give me some insight into what might be happening within my internal world? I usually feel pretty calm inside.

Thank you,

Roberta

Dear Roberta,

I had written a different article for this week but your question has definitely taken precedence. This feels like a precarious time due to the many different events that have surfaced in our community of Northern New Mexico. This is typical. No matter where we live, a community will feel the grief of the individual and the community turmoil when a number of difficult stories accumulate over a short period of time.

Research demonstrates that people have a tendency of absorbing the emotions of those around them. They then feel the same types of feelings. So when a large portion of the community is feeling helplessness, sadness, dismay, and loss of control, it is normal and appropriate to have similar feelings or to even compound the complex feelings you already have.

One of the most difficult processes for your brain to handle is the unknown. The brain is always interpreting data in order to keep you safe in the world. When these sorts of events happen there is a feeling of less safety and the brain goes into hyper-alert gear. It is looking for some sort of action to take in order to relieve the discomfort of the unknown. This is difficult because there may be no action to help fix the situation. A feeling of futility may step in to take the place of the anxiety. You expressed it well by saying, “I’m crawling out of my skin.”

There will often be situations that you cannot fix in the present situation. This doesn’t mean you cannot ease the discomfort. Our psyche/unconscious can be very childlike and wants the brain to do something to ease the discomfort. A profound tool all of us have is choice and in most situations we have the ability to choose our next action. We may not be able to choose the outcome but we can choose the next action. When we choose the next action and attempt to follow through with that action, the sub-conscious can feel protected to some degree and ease off of the demand that the brain fix it now. It is important to make choices that are attainable rather than taking action that sets up failure. Failure will only reinforce the feeling of futility and anxiety. Choices and actions do not need to be gigantic. As a matter of fact, it is usually the simple and doable choices that lead to profound outcomes due to one conscious choice at a time.

Perhaps you will choose to pray, light a candle, gather more information or connect with other like-minded people. Self-care is always important in order to make healthy and conscious decisions. When we are left with unknown outcomes, we need to take the time to decide what the next step is and how that leads to future goals. Then we need to focus on that next step. This will allow the unknown to evolve into the known and your psyche and brain will work together rather than against each other. I wish you well.

Until next time, take care.

Ted

This article was published in The Taos News on May 26, 2016, and is republished here with permission by the writer, Ted Wiard, LPCC, CGC, Founder of Golden Willow Retreat, a nonprofit organization focused on emotional healing and recovery from any type of loss. Visit  goldenwillowretreat.com/media-blog/teds-archived-articles/  for more of Ted’s articles.

March 27, 2025
More Than One Loss Grief is often thought of as the pain we feel after losing a loved one. But grief isn’t just about the person who died —it’s also about everything that went with them. The routines you shared, the roles you played, the future you imagined, and even the relationships that shift in the aftermath. These are known as secondary losses, and they can be just as difficult as the primary loss itself. Secondary losses are often not antcipated. You might expect to grieve your loved one, but you may not anticipate the deep loneliness that comes from losing the small daily interactions you had with them. You might feel the pain of losing not just a spouse, parent, or friend, but also the identity that came with being their partner, caregiver, or confidant. These hidden losses can make grief feel even heavier, and understanding them can help you navigate this challenging time. What Are Secondary Losses? Grief touches every part of life, which means secondary losses can take many forms. Some of the most common include: · Loss of roles: If you were a caregiver, a partner, or a child who looked to a parent for guidance, that role is now different—or gone entirely. Adjusting to life without that identity can feel disorienting and painful. · Loss of routines: Grief often disrupts the everyday patterns of life. The morning coffee you always shared, the Sunday phone calls, the daily check-ins—small but meaningful aspect of our lives. · Loss of relationships: Some friendships and family connections change after a loss. People may not know how to support you, or they may distance themselves. Others may expect you to grieve on their timeline, making it harder to maintain those relationships. · Loss of security: This could be financial, especially if the person who died contributed to household income. It could also be emotional—the feeling that you had a safe and predictable life before this loss. · Loss of future plans: Every loss changes the future. Dreams you shared, trips you planned, milestones you expected to celebrate together—these losses can hit unexpectedly, sometimes long after the initial grief has subsided. The Emotional Impact of Secondary Losses Secondary losses can feel like waves that keep coming, even when you think you’ve found solid ground. Because they are not always acknowledged by others, they can feel isolating. But just like the primary loss, they deserve space and recognition. Navigating Secondary Losses: Practical Advice · Name and validate the losses. It may help to make a list of the secondary losses you’re experiencing. Acknowledging them can bring clarity and help you acknowledge the many losses you have. · Create new routines and roles. While the old ones may never be replaced, finding small ways to establish new patterns can bring a sense of stability. This could be as simple as a new morning ritual or a different way of honoring your loved one’s memory. · Seek out supportive relationships. Some connections may change, but new ones can also emerge. Finding people who understand grief—whether through support groups, therapy, or trusted friends—can help ease the loneliness. · Give yourself permission to grieve these losses. Just because they aren’t always talked about doesn’t mean they aren’t real. Allow yourself to mourn what has changed, just as you mourn the person you lost. · Consider professional support. If secondary losses feel overwhelming or make it difficult to function, a grief counselor can help you process them and find ways to cope. Grief Is Layered, But Healing Is Possible Grief is never just about one loss. It’s about all the pieces of life that shift and change in the wake of that loss. If you find yourself grieving things beyond the person who died, know that you are not alone. Be patient with yourself as you navigate these changes, and remember that support is available when you need it.
July 20, 2024
Written by our in-house Grief Counselor, Amanda Nelsen.
March 31, 2021
In the last few paragraphs of Greg McKeown’s book, Essentialism: The Disciplined Pursuit of Less , the author tells a heartbreaking story of a man whose three-year-old daughter has died. The father wished to put together a slideshow of her little life to play at her funeral. He had documented on his camera every outing he’d ever taken with his daughter, and he had hours of footage. But as he scrolled through the thousands of photos and videos, he realized, with growing alarm, that nearly all the images he had captured were of the sights, views, meals, and landmarks of their trips. He had practically no close-up images of his daughter. He had failed to recognize what was essential in his life until she was gone.
November 17, 2020
Dear Ted,
October 19, 2020
Gained in Translation
October 2, 2020
The Guest House This being human is a guest house.Every morning a new arrival.A joy, a depression, a meanness,some momentary awareness comesas an unexpected visitor.Welcome and entertain them all!Even if they are a crowd of sorrows,who violently sweep your houseempty of its furniture,still, treat each guest honorably.He may be clearing you outfor some new delight.The dark thought, the shame, the malice.meet them at the door laughing and invite them in.Be grateful for whatever comes.because each has been sentas a guide from beyond.— Jellaludin Rumi, translated into English by Coleman Barks
September 21, 2020
The first known obituary dates back to about 60 BC, found carved into the stone and metal tablets hung in the Forum of Julius Caesar’s ancient Rome. The obits section of these “early newspapers” was considered part of Rome’s social news, listed alongside gladiator battle results and notable marriage announcements.
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